mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Randomize
