look no pants
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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