I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
