he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
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