The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
