Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
