i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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