I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
