I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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