Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
The air taste purple.
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