When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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