Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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