I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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