Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
