So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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