Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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