Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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