I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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