When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
