i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
