just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize