an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
