FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
