i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
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Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
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