I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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