You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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