Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
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