Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
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