whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
