My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
my phone needs a breathalizer
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Randomize
