i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
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