I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Randomize
