my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
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is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
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My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
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