we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Congratulations! We have a period
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
