end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
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