I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
