its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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