Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Randomize
