When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
