It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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