She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
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