Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Randomize
