Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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