Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
