you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
