In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize