Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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