my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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