I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
