She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
