I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
