I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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