I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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