you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
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