It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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