I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize
